I'm pretty sure there's a certain luxury and privilege to be able to say "I never stopped to think…", in any number of contexts or situations. For every person who doesn't have to do this, there are quite a number more who -have- to. There are many who have to “stop and think” before they undertake so much as going out the door in the morning. It's an amount of emotional work that can be exhausting. It made me think about the exhaustion that BIPOC and in particular, black people, must feel.
This is written in reference to conversations I've had with my brother "J" over the past week. He's my junior by nine months and 28 days. He'd like to think we're each other's favorite siblings. I would debate that, although I cherish each of my brothers.
Last Saturday he called me and in the early stages of our exchange, he expressed that he was conflicted about something. When I asked what he was conflicted over, he said: "They asked me to put up "Black Lives Matter" on the changeable text board out front." He has been the handyman and janitor for a Unitarian congregation for the past 19 years. He's well aware that they are deeply engaged in and committed to challenging and changing the inequities in our society. I asked him why he was conflicted. He said this even while voicing full awareness of what has been going on in the past few months.
I replied, “Yes, but that doesn’t mean that some lives are more important than others.”
"Yes, but…"
“There isn’t a “but” to be found anywhere in what you’re saying. Do you think Black Lives Matter would even exist if there wasn’t a problem? Would any protest exist if all lives were, indeed, equally valued and received equal justice and representation!” This isn’t the first time we’ve had this kind of exchanges.
"Well… I understand what you’re saying, but…"
“There isn’t a but! Either all lives are equal and all of them matter, or they don’t! If any life, or any number of lives aren’t, it’s obligatory, reasonable and fair that it be called out, that it be voiced! Have you been watching the news? Now, or ever?”
"Of course I have!"
“There’s something seriously fucking wrong! Do we ignore that?”
"No. But if black people, if they want to feel included, then they can’t be singled out…"
“They -are- being singled out! For murder! For Execution! That’s exactly what’s happening. What you’re saying is that you’re okay with that? Or what? Everything would be fine if they would just… be quiet and fit in?”
"That’s not what I’m saying!"
“Then -exactly- what are you saying?!” He tried to defend his position and I'm sure I could have replied with greater sensitivity, but I was angry over his defensiveness and his repeated agreements but always punctuated by a conditional "but…". As a result of my impatience, I didn't continue the conversation. Fast forward to this previous Saturday morning…
Whatever happened during the week in-between, J seems to have made peace with his conflict over doing what was requested of him as part of his job. As well, some other things seem to have become clearer to him because he talked a bit differently. He was less defensive, less fragile. And yet, as we talked, he said numerous times, "I never stopped to think…" about things like sexist and racist jokes. His understanding of their wrongness was fairly recent. I’m glad this realization came to him.
He also expressed frustration and hopelessness over the enormity of problems facing our society and whether any substantive change could be realized. I admitted that I thought it was possible, but I had no idea what course it would follow. After all, when one charts unknown territory, there are boundless unknowns. At the same time, the beginning of progress, imo, consists of aware and educated individuals engaging in a humble, teachable and open dialogue. That doesn’t mean that everyone will be decorous and overly polite. The dialogue concerning a truly post racial society is going to be complicated and at times, probably explosive.
I told him that the best I thought anyone could do was to question, consider and challenge any personal tendency toward guilt, hostility or projection. That’s part of the emotional work that no one can, or should do, for another. I’m pretty sure it’s what a lot of people avoid. Someone else carries the load psychologically and emotional… white people can do it with race. Men can do it with women. I think anyone can engage in its avoidance. Whatever the case, I would think the capacity to face one’s issues and the personal drive to gain knowledge is part of being a healthy, functioning and potentially contributing member of society. I could be wrong?
In the end, I suggested that anyone should develop the capacity to stop and think. I believe that, developed beyond that point, merely stopping to think can genuine empathy. Will it always be specific and exacting to another’s experiences? Of course not. Can it foster a deeper and more genuine interaction and bonding between human beings? Yes, I believe it can.
I understand that I have a great deal to learn, about EVERYTHING. Yet, as I move forward, acting with care, genuine consideration and respect for others, I will gain something worthwhile even as I stumble along in the Unknown. We own it to ourselves as individual human beings, as well as members of the common human family and our collective American society, to elevate ourselves and others, pushing and pulling one another along, but not expecting to be served or given enlightenment, toward equity and equality for all human beings, all citizens of this nation we call home.
